Until We Meet Again Little One

What a roller coaster of emotions I have been on this summer. Our pregnancy journey has been quite the experience this time around and I thought blogging about it might be therapeutic. We have been trying to conceive Colligan Baby #4 since 2010. When nature didn't take it's course again(we did IVF with Ireland) we contacted our fertility doctor for another go round. Our fertility doctor and staff are amazing by the way! We began treatment in April and in May found out we were pregnant only to miscarry a couple weeks into the pregnancy! Heartbreaking and dreadful! We had believed that was our only shot, due to finances as well as the emotional struggles that come with this journey. We did however have 2 more embryos that had been frozen and decided we would try to conceive with the 2 of them. Thankfully, we conceived! We were thrilled! At 6 wks we were told it was twins! After Mike just about fainted the doctor told us that one of the babies didn't look like it would make it. He gave it about a 50% chance of survival. At 9 weeks we saw the OB-GYN for the first time and saw to our surprise 2 healthy babies. Both had strong heartbeats and were the correct size. They even looked like little babies. We had beat the odds! We spent the next few weeks wondering what in the world 2 new babies would be like. I felt blessed that God had entrusted us with such a task. At my 13 week appointment for a routine visit the doctor did a low tech ultrasound to just peek at our babies. As soon as I saw his face I knew something wasn't right. The first baby looked 3X the size of hisor her sibling and the heartbeat was more than evident. By measurement Baby B was 4 weeks behind and the dr. didn't see a heartbeat. I was numb. He had me schedule a full blown ultrasound for the next day with the tech. The doctor's fears were confirmed. Baby B had passed away most likely within days of my 9 week appointment. He or she still looked like the little person I had seen just 4 weeks ago, but their little heart was no longer beating. The knowledge that my child was still inside me, but not alive is a feeling that I don't know how to accept. I am told my body will absorb this little one and that Baby A will not be affected. Well, I am affected. My child just died! I did not have a miscarriage, my baby just didn't make it to birth. I find peace in the knowledge that they are with Christ and we will be reunited one day. I know that is a far better home than any I could have provided it. So, with all that said I am amazingly coping pretty well. I have my moments, but I have 3 healthy beautiful children and a very healthy growing baby on the way. I am so grateful for that. We are choosing to focus on the positive of our situation and not question God's plan. As far as Baby A goes, they are growing wonderfully. Their size is right on and their heartbeat is 161. Jordyn and Ireland both had heartbeats of 165 pretty much throughout pregnancy. So, my vote is a girl and of course Daddy thinks its a boy. We will find out in 4 weeks who wins. Baby A was really showing off for us during the ultrasound and moving like crazy. Just seeing that made us feel so much better. I don't know the why of what happened, but I know God is in control. I will not question His plan, but will find hope in his promises. Selfishly, I want both my babies, but their is nowhere greater than Heaven and they are with Jesus preparing a place for us one day. If that isn't a huge calling on a little life I don't know what is. One of my favorite songs is by Casting Crowns called "I Will Praise You in This Storm." This song has gotten me through a few hurdles and the words of it are just so fitting to a hurting situation. Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This verse doesn't meant that I can do anything I want and the Lord will bless it. It means that good or bad outcome I have Christ with me. If I fail He will lift me, if I succeed he will celebrate with me. Either way I am not alone. Thank you Jesus for you mercy and grace!